To All Employees:
Congratulations on your employment at the J. Crew crew at our brand new location on Bedford Ave. — in the middle of Brooklyn’s Williamsburg neighborhood! J Crew has been bringing upscale fashion to under-dressed malls and outlet centers since 1983, and we’re proud to bring our special brand of khakitocracy to the underserved north Brooklyn market. While our new neighborhood might currently think a polo shirt is something you wear when you actually play polo, we’ll be painting this town twill before you can say “espadrilles.”
For the Williamsburg location, we have adopted some practices that, while a bit unconventional, will reflect our new community and its values. Please refer to this employee manual whenever in doubt:
• STORE HOURS: Williamsburg store hours will be from noonish to 4 a.m., Monday through Thursday. On beach/snow days, please consult with the surrounding bars to establish a “happy hour” schedule.
• BREAKS: Every employee is allowed one 3.5 hour break for brunch per shift.
• STORE DISPLAYS: Market research has shown that mannequins do not accurately reflect the typical build of our potential customers; our new display pieces will consist of three hangers strung together, with a paper frowny face securely affixed to the head. We recommend a light-colored cardigan to accessorize display outfits.
• MUSIC: You will not be receiving the company-standard playlist. Instead, you will find enclosed the contact information for DJ Boris, who specializes in Soviet-era punk reggae and will be spinning over by the dressing rooms. If any customers ask about the music being played, simply respond with a withering sigh and continue folding pants.
• COLOR GUIDE: Please note that our persimmon and wheat infused color palette has been modified for this location. Please use the following words when describing colors:
Brown →TobaccoThat was a good laugh! I love the "we’re proud to bring our special brand of khakitocracy to the underserved north Brooklyn market" and the "we’ll be painting this town twill before you can say 'espadrilles'" lines.
Beige → Discovered in the refrigerator eggshell
White→ Light Black
Black→ Vintage Black
Everything else→ Not available
• AVAILABLE SIZES:
Anything larger, please refer customers to our satellite stores
• A NOTE ON PANTS: Due to the popularity of a nearby competing apparel business, we have retired the word “pants.” Please refer to all leg coverings using the term “slim slacks” or “pre-jorts.”
• FEDORAS: Push them, because they don’t sell anywhere else.
• THE ‘STORY’ OF J. CREW: Please do not refer to “new” as in new looks, new styles or new trends, nor reference the origin of a particular article of clothing. If pressed to explain where the clothing “came from,” we ask that you appropriate one of the plots of Scooby Doo.
I also do love how J.Crew labels certain colors with such fanciful names. The White is "Light Black" line is hysterical! But let's get one thing straight, they do offer a variety of wonderful hues.
What are your thoughts on the "employee handbook" from J.Crew? Any points you found J.Crew lives up to? ;)