Tuesday, November 6, 2012

J.Crew Handbooked Leaked! {not really, but enjoy the giggles!}

A big "thanks!" to GigiOfCa {of the delightful Gigi's Gone Shopping blog} who shared the following post about J.Crew's handbook from the site Brokelyn (click here to read it in its entirety) with us:
To All Employees:
Congratulations on your employment at the J. Crew crew at our brand new location on Bedford Ave. — in the middle of Brooklyn’s Williamsburg neighborhood! J Crew has been bringing upscale fashion to under-dressed malls and outlet centers since 1983, and we’re proud to bring our special brand of khakitocracy to the underserved north Brooklyn market. While our new neighborhood might currently think a polo shirt is something you wear when you actually play polo, we’ll be painting this town twill before you can say “espadrilles.”

For the Williamsburg location, we have adopted some practices that, while a bit unconventional, will reflect our new community and its values. Please refer to this employee manual whenever in doubt:
• STORE HOURS: Williamsburg store hours will be from noonish to 4 a.m., Monday through Thursday. On beach/snow days, please consult with the surrounding bars to establish a “happy hour” schedule.
• BREAKS: Every employee is allowed one 3.5 hour break for brunch per shift.
• STORE DISPLAYS: Market research has shown that mannequins do not accurately reflect the typical build of our potential customers; our new display pieces will consist of three hangers strung together, with a paper frowny face securely affixed to the head. We recommend a light-colored cardigan to accessorize display outfits.
• MUSIC: You will not be receiving the company-standard playlist. Instead, you will find enclosed the contact information for DJ Boris, who specializes in Soviet-era punk reggae and will be spinning over by the dressing rooms. If any customers ask about the music being played, simply respond with a withering sigh and continue folding pants.
• COLOR GUIDE: Please note that our persimmon and wheat infused color palette has been modified for this location. Please use the following words when describing colors:
    Brown →Tobacco
    Beige → Discovered in the refrigerator eggshell
    Grey→ Smoke
    White→ Light Black
    Black→ Vintage Black
    Everything else→ Not available

    Anything larger, please refer customers to our satellite stores
• A NOTE ON PANTS: Due to the popularity of a nearby competing apparel business, we have retired the word “pants.” Please refer to all leg coverings using the term “slim slacks” or “pre-jorts.”

• FEDORAS: Push them, because they don’t sell anywhere else.
• THE ‘STORY’ OF J. CREW: Please do not refer to “new” as in new looks, new styles or new trends, nor reference the origin of a particular article of clothing. If pressed to explain where the clothing “came from,” we ask that you appropriate one of the plots of Scooby Doo.
That was a good laugh! I love the "we’re proud to bring our special brand of khakitocracy to the underserved north Brooklyn market" and the "we’ll be painting this town twill before you can say 'espadrilles'" lines.

I also do love how J.Crew labels certain colors with such fanciful names. The White is "Light Black" line is hysterical! But let's get one thing straight, they do offer a variety of wonderful hues.

What are your thoughts on the "employee handbook" from J.Crew? Any points you found J.Crew lives up to? ;)


  1. Too funny. I have to send this to my son--he lives in W.Burg, Bklyn.

  2. Could someone who understands please explain what about this area of Brooklyn makes this funny? I dont get it! Maybe b/c I'm from California?

    1. From the Williamsburg, Brooklyn Wiki page:
      "Williamsburg is an influential hub for indie rock, hipster culture, and the local art community." and "Its proximity to Manhattan has made it popular with recently arrived residents who are often referred to under the blanket term "hipster"."

    2. Oh! Ha! Thanks alexis, that helped!

  3. I used to live in Brooklyn before it got all "hip". I miss that. But yeah, what on earth is J. Crew doing in Williamsburg? I love them but they so do not have hipster credibility. But I guess one could also argue that neither does Williamsburg anymore.

  4. Hilarious (especially the part on available sizes and color). But I guess that we should read JCrew arriving in Williamsbourg as a demonstration that the brand is going hipster and not that the hipsters are turning to old preppy.

  5. There was no mention of nerd glasses! Guess they aren't even funny any more.
    This was hilarious, thanks, Alexis.

  6. Ah, well, I guess this means Williamsburg is officially dead. (With all due respect to the lovely J. Crew, of course!)

    Thanks for a hilarious post, Alexis!

    Now then...how long 'til they discover Bushwick? ;)

  7. Some of the jabs are funny no matter where this new store is located. Thanks for posting & link love, Alexis :)

  8. LOL, I just forwarded this to few of my friends who live over there. Love the color descriptions the most.


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